Well it’s 2014. I know I drank deeply of alcohol infused liquids and shoved 2013 out the door this past week. It was an extremely difficult year, but we all survived and by that I mean at least one of us would have been dead this past Christmas but for a rather random catching of a life threatening condition. Getting what turned out to be very serious surgery and treatment, then starting recovery took up most of the year from late July to the present, and monitoring must continue for life. But suffice to say I still have Husband, and am very grateful I do.
There were other horrible, shocking, and unbelievably trying events that occurred. This past year was one of the most depressing I have ever experienced, and it is no exaggeration to say toward the end I was not sure I had anything left in me to cope. Maybe I’m still not sure, but I accept the false rituals of a new year to give me something to celebrate.
I got a new paper calendar (yes it may seem luddite-like, but it is tangible and won’t evaporate if batteries die) and filled in all the set dates of the new year. I also started a to- do list, and already feel overwhelmed. There are times having a family is a positive distraction, it makes me focus on the present (even if annoyingly so) and get on with things. Money is tight, time is valuable, and the circle of people I know genuinely love me, love us, is considerably smaller. I can’t say what the new year will bring. I hope- my raggedy, worn thin, unreliable state of hope- that I find a job. I hope Husband continues to recover well. I hope our evil neighbors find something other to do than torment us. I hope my children stay healthy and dodge the backward blockages of culture and curriculum at school. I hope my extended family stays healthy and maintains a state of happiness. I hope the citizens of this country start to pull their heads out and become civil. I hope those with extreme wealth and privilege realize they don’t live in a bubble and must start taking responsibility for their lives and wealth. I hope the people who let their cats run wild in my neighborhood keep them in, get them spayed or neutered, or get rid of them. I hope the song birds come back to my neighborhood. I hope the frogs, snakes, and newts do too. I hope my garden is healthy this year. I hope I can keep going, and have the energy to be a good mom, wife, daughter, relative, friend, and community member. I hope we find a way, a path, a start to leaving this place.
I hope we are safe. I hope we are healthy. I hope we find moments of happiness and laughter. I will do what I can so my hope is not in a vacuum, not static and passive. I will live for as long as I am able. I will try. Welcome, 2014. Another cycle around the sun, another 365 days. The kids feet will continue to grow, gray hair will replace color, and what ever losses occur I hope they are small ones. Happy New Year.